I am a recovering pessimist and cynic.

For years I prided myself on my pessimism. One of my favorite sayings was, “If you expect the worse and it happens, you will never be disappointed, but if you expect the worse and it DOESN’T happen, you will be pleasantly surprised.”

Maybe my pessimism developed as a defense mechanism to help me control unpleasant things in my life. From a broken home, to rejection from girls, to feelings of inadequacy, being a pessimist afforded me some bit of comfort. I learned not to get my hopes up, what’s the point, bad things are going to happen anyway. I learned to find humor in dark situations. I learned that self depreciating actions brought me attention and made people laugh.

I also viewed everyone and everything with suspicion. Why is this person being nice to me? They must want something. That guy seems a bit off, I bet he can not be trusted. Don’t hang out with that person, he is trouble. That “sale” is nothing but an attempt to rip you off by making you feel like you are getting a good deal. There must be some fine print, nothing is that good. And on and on.

The sad thing is that I was usually right. The reason that is a sad thing is because I set up cycles of self fulfilling prophecies. I would see the bad or the trick or the hidden motive and I would say so. Usually, I was right and I would find my pessimism being reinforced and I received a little bit of smug satisfaction at being right.

This was true if I was talking about politics, war, pop culture, people, products, you name it.

You lose a lot of joy being a pessimist. In fact, you can be quite depressing to be around. My wife would comment on some political issue or some perceived victory in the culture war and I would be there to point out the flaws and why she should not get her hopes up. Yeah, I was a lot of fun to be around.

It is easy to see the bad in a person. I may have felt that I was really perceptive, but pointing out flaws does not take much skill. Seeing the good in a person or an event does take skill. Finding the gold that is hidden deep inside someone and bringing it out is a talent.

I have been working for the past few years to change my pessimist ways and to find that gold. Don’t get me wrong, there are still some terrible things going on in the world and there are some sick people out there, but everyday you run into people that could be written off as obnoxious or insecure or needy. The old me would point out the obvious flaws in those people and then when something happened that proved their flaws, I would take a small measure of joy at being right. I am not perfect, but I try much harder now to see past the front that we all put up and to see inside in hopes of finding out why they are obnoxious or insecure or needy.

Words have power, go read one of my old posts about words here.

People know they are needy. They know they are obnoxious jerks. They don’t need people telling them the obvious, yet that is what I would do. What they need is for people to see who they really are. That obnoxious jerk may be a lonely, dejected man who puts up a front so that he does not cry all day long. There is a bit of gold in that person. There is something he is good at, there is something he is DESTINED for. Seeing through the crap and calling out that destiny changes people.

Think back in your life to people who wrote you off or who pointed out your flaws. Great work there Einstein, a blind man could have spotted my flaws. But I bet you will also remember that one person who took the time to see who you really were and who spoke over you words that brought your gold to the surface. Sometimes it is a close friend or your Mom or especially a teacher or a coach. It probably changed your life.