Remember a few weeks ago when I said I was going to Atlanta and that while in Atlanta, I would be going to the Ikea store?

Well, I lied.

I really did go to Atlanta and I really did go to Ikea, but it wasn’t to for the reasons I stated.

Actually, it was an undercover operation with the sole purpose being to explore the reach of Scandi propaganda. Specifically their biggest export to the U.S., Ikea.

Ace has written about his disdain for Scandinavians (Scandi’s) before. See here and here. After reading his posts, I put together the operation in order to report back to him just how afraid we should all be of the Scandi menace.

The results are…terrifying….

First, people will ask: Why Ikea?

Simple. The allure is so seductive, so sexy…cheap, retro-ish, European stuff…it’s so simple and it appeals to Americans.

Second, people will ask: What do you have against cheap retro-ish, European stuff?

Specifically? Nothing really. It’s just that Scandi’s have been trying to infiltrate our country for years and Ikea represents the perfect weapon.

Anyway, on to the operation:

I knew I was in for it when the people I was going with were concerned that 4 hours was not going to be enough time to spend at Ikea.

Not enough time? 4 hours?!?!?

Look, I like furniture and doo-dads as much as the next guy, but I just could not figure out how one could spend 4 hours in a store. Don’t get me wrong, I’m open minded about this sort of thing. I mean, I can spend an hour at Wal-Mart or Best Buy. That’s easy…but a furniture store?

They all told me it was more, much more than a furniture store.

Pulling up to the giant, blue store filled me with dread. There were smiley faces directing traffic to the gianormous underground parking deck. When I got out of the van I noted our location, Section QQ.

Huge escalators greet you. Up you go. One level, two levels. They dump you out into the beginning of the 2nd level. I was bewildered. I felt faint. There were so many…people…everywhere you turned, there were…people.

I scanned the horizon, but all I could see was a vast sea of humanity. Cattle if you will.

My brother-in-law tried to reassure me. Look, see all the couches? Let’s sit on all of them. Trust me it’ll be fun! See, there is a room called “Living In 30 Square Inches”.

Once the initial shock wore off regarding the sea of unwashed masses, I settled into a groove of standing around looking at all the stuff.

I could see why we were going to need 4 hours to get through this place. One look at the “You are here” map tells you the story. You can’t just go to a certain area. No, first you have to navigate along the main path with the rest of the chum, going through all the other areas first before coming to the particular section you actually want you to see. Oh sure, there are “Short Cuts”, but every time I tried to take one, there was a large, shaved yeti, otherwise known as a Scandi, standing guard ensuring me that I did not in fact want to take the short cut, but that I did want to go look at “Living In 54 Square Centimeters”.

I obtained a map of the 2nd Floor:

Constant propaganda. Everywhere you turned were items meant to promote the supremacy of Scandi culture.

Don’t believe me?

Take a look at this bookcase:

Looks nice and elegant right?

That’s what the Scandi’s want you to think. But take a closer look…

Scandi porn! Right there. Out in the open! Touting their Scandi free love (which includes reindeer).

Thumbing through the other books, I found all types of propaganda. My Scandi is a bit rusty, but I am sure the text reads “Death to America. Scandi’s rule!”.

Their taste in furnishing is odd, to say the least. Check out this kitchen:

All I could think about was: REDRUM! REDRUM!

But even the kitchens were tainted by Scandi propaganda. Is nothing sacred?

Just what the world needs, more recipes for Rakfisk, Surstrumming and Lutefisk.

By this time, my wife was starting to look for something, anything that she could buy. I asked her why she wanted to buy something that bad. I mean, sure, we needed a new cutting board, but why not wait and get it at Wal-Mart next week? She told me that she wanted to say it was from Ikea…

OH
MY
GOD

They’ve gotten to her…

The children’s section was downright scary. Even the books were full of Scandi propaganda. Start them early I guess:

What the…?

In fact, I had to fight off one of the “toys”.

I can only assume that one bite from this beast will turn you into a life long Scandi lover…*shudder*

After successfully slaying the evil Scandi Dragon, we finally made it down to the first floor. The prospects were not much better:

They are so smug. They just KNOW you are going to load up on cheap Scandi goods that they flaunt their power.

Want a chocolate bar? Not so fast there, one bite and you’ll get Scandi Poisoning:

I can no longer sit back and allow, Scandi infiltration, Scandi indoctrination, Scandi subversion and the international Scandi conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids…

Ok, I may have heard that in a movie once, but still…think about it man…

Remember the Scandi pr0n mentioned earlier? I can’t help but think this is related:

Um…is that Scandi KY? Just asking. It says it’s for polishing wood…heh…I bet…

After almost 3 hours, we finally made it to the check out line. There was a big warning sign:

Can you believe that? They tell you to load up your shopping cart, but then at the check out they break the news to you that you will have to PAY for the privilege of having your crap placed in bags.

The bastards. Next time I go to Wal-Mart I’m telling the lady to double bag mine…

The entire ordeal left me dehydrated and less of a man. I think my soul was left somewhere on the 2nd floor. I was so beaten down that I actually said that I enjoyed the whole experience. The state I was in, I would’ve done anything a dirty Scandi asked.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Ikea…it’s not just a store; it’s brainwashing of the highest order.

Ban Ikea!

Down with the penguin sucking Scandis!

***I hate having to write this, but come on, you know someone is going to get upset thinking I really have something against Scandinavians…I don’t. This is parody. ***