While working at the church last Saturday, I apparently hit the mother of all poison ivy beds. I don’t remember seeing any poison ivy, you know the good ol’ “Leaves of three..” thing? In any event, I started itching last Saturday night and it has only gotten worse since then.

I have some on my chest, my legs, my forearms, my neck and behind my left ear. The worst part is on my right arm. I have a bad, and I do mean bad patch where your forearm meets your bicep. You know, the part that bends EVERY time you use your arm? Yeah, there.

It’s a nice, oozing sore about 2 inches long and 1 inch wide. Very attractive. I suggest everyone get one, it’s all the rage.

My brother-in-law, Jon, joked that when I got on the plane Wednesday, I should’ve shouted “Unclean! Unclean! Leper!” as I walked down the aisle. I tried to cover it up, but I could tell by the looks I kept getting that some were a bit freaked out by my flesh eating infection…

Last time this happened, I refused to go to the doctor and it got bad, real bad. So, this time I was proactive and had WunderWife call Tuesday for an appointment today.

The doctor came in with a smile and sat down, then I showed him my arm…

After he screamed “There is no GOD!“…he settled down and began to look at all my oozing sores…I know, I know, you really want me to post a picture don’t you?

He gave me a prescription for some steroids…no, not the “bulk you up with unfortunate shrinkage side effects kind”…the kind they give you when you have an allergic reaction. Then he gave me some antibiotic cream to put on my arm. Finally, he mentioned that one of the girls would be in to see me to give me a shot to help clear all this up.

In walked the young nurse…I tried to be funny and called her “Shot Girl”. She smiled and said, “This won’t hurt ME a bit.” Well, yeah, if it hurt you, then you might be doing something wrong.

I had a bad feeling about what was coming next:

WK: So…where are you giving me this shot?”

Nurse: Your hiney

WK: You’re joking right?

Nurse: Nope

Yes, she actually said “hiney”.

What the hell? 200 years of advanced science and medicine and the only place they can give me this shot is my butt? Why not my arm? It seems good enough for all the other shots I’ve ever had…

Now what do I do?

What’s the proper protocol?

I mean, do I “drop trou” right there?

Doesn’t there need to be someone else in here as a witness so you don’t violate me or something?

She patted my backside about 6 inches below my belt, indicating where the shot was going to go…Oh, that’s better, but still…

I undid my belt, slipped down my pants below the prescribed spot, and she said, “Big stick and this will burn a bit…”

Yep it did burn.

I pulled my britches up and hurried out of the office with what dignity I had left.

I hope it works.