General @ Wednesday January 16, 2008 10:35 pm by WunderKraut
Some of my long time readers (all 5 of you) may have noticed a new face in the comments of my posts named Michael.
I confess that I have been so busy I haven’t taken much time to check out what he is writing about over on his blog. We’ve been having a pretty good discussion in my post about drugs and the law and so I headed on over to really dig into his site. Good stuff. You need to stop by. Crotalus, I especially thing you will enjoy his site.
Today I learned that Michael is a recovering addict. He has a wonderfully poignant post about his walk away from the edge. You really need to read it.
Most of us have issues in our lives that we deal with. Sometimes they are private issues, just between me, myself and I, and sometimes they are “private” issues that affect everyone around you and sometimes they are issues that will kill you.
Understanding addiction is hard for people who do not suffer from it. Just stop doing it. I don’t get it. Those are two phrases often heard. Many times, it is hard to explain.
It may come as a shock to you, but I am a recovering addict too. My addiction may not seem as “bad” or as dangerous as alcohol or drug addiction, but it has been a very destructive force in my life.
I am a recovering porn addict.
What? That doesn’t even count. So you like to look at naked pictures, congratulations, you’re a man…
But it isn’t like that as all. I’ve known people who could see a picture or movie here or there and it never phases them, while it captivated me and fed my addiction even more. Porn addiction can be just as devastating to a family. You may disagree and think I am belittling “real” addictions, but I can tell you, from my experience, the heavy toll it put on my wife and friends.
Most importantly, it stood in the way of my relationship with the Lord. As a Christian, I never seemed to grow. I always seemed to be battling the same things. As a result, my walk with the Lord grew stagnant and all the potential that was inside of me to do amazing things was left unused. All because of porn.
I know Christ is the answer and He has done amazing things in my life. Back during Christmas of 2005, I had an amazing encounter with Jesus in my den. I have never been the same since. That night I came to understand the depth of Gods love for me. Have I been perfect? No. Have all my issues just disappeared? No. Do I still struggle at times? Yes.
BUT….
I no longer wallow in my self-pity and sin. I take care of my mess and move on, not looking back. When I sin, the thing that breaks my heart most is not the actual sin, but the realization that I am living so much below the potential God has given me.
That is what has changed. Sin, yeah, it’s not good, but I don’t dwell on it anymore. I see it for what it is, confess it and move on. I no longer try to justify my actions or hide behind some past hurt or grievance.
It has been amazing to watch what the Lord has done in my life. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. It is hard at times, but only when I listen to the accuser and begin seeing myself through his eyes instead of the eyes of my King.
If you are struggling with an addiction, chemical or other, there is hope. I don’t say it flippantly, but all you need is just one glimpse, a tiny glimpse of Jesus, and your life will be changed forever. I have known people who were delivered and never had the urge to drink again and I have heard of others who have been delivered, yet still had to walk out their deliverance. Why the difference? I have no idea, but I do know that Jesus holds all the answers.
I know this is probably the most religious post I have ever written, but it is a post I’ve wanted to write for 6 months. I just never had the guts to do it. Michael’s post finally gave me the courage to write it.
Thanks man, I needed that.
8 Responses to “Addictions”
Wow…I am in awe right now. This is an incredible blog. And if there are those that dismiss porn addiction as anything less than an addiction are mistaken. An addiction is an addiction is an addiction. Does not matter if it is drugs, alcohol or lust. All of it is destructive. All of it is progressive. Sure it starts out with a magezine, or images on the web. Soon you might be spending a little more time on the computer. Perhaps all night. Now you are tired and your job suffers. So to make yourself feel better about your suffer performance at work you sneak peaks there. Perhaps you get caught then fired. Now you are spending more time looking for the images. Now they are not doing what they use to do. So you look for more hard core stuff. Maybe you compromise your age restrictions. Suddenly images are not doing it at all, so you start going to places of adult entertainment and eventually you might end up hiring prostitutes and really put yourself and your family at risk.
Praise God you stopped!!
Thank you for your compliments. I am humbled.
This is somewhat abrasive, but then I am somewhat abrasive so you are free to edit accordigly because “it’s your house, chief.”
Porn is a bitch to quit. It as addictive as coke, easily accessable and more or less publically acceptable.
I am a dirty knee christian. If I’m praying then I’m good, if I get out of the habit of praying the I get knee deep in it. So either way, my knees stay dirty.
So I totally agree that only Jesus can see me out of these issues for the long term. However, my immediate problem is that if I was so good at staying plugged in, I wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.
Now the church’s modern answer to a lot of this has been accountability groups. I’m sorry, but I’m not wired for that. I don’t want to hear people struggle in order to make me not struggle or promise to pray for someone when i know that I was praying the right way, I wouldn’t even be there in the first place.
That’s treating the symptoms of guilt, which isn’t part of God’s motivational tools. Guilt is the human response to the knowledge of failure but God never “guilts” someone into service or redemption. He loves them.
So I attacked the whole thing from a totally different angle. I did the really hard part. I sat down and I told my wife ” I’m sorry, but my sex drive is geared really high. As a result, if we’re not having sex fairly regularly my biology has me wired to look around. Since I don’t want to cheat, that means porn. When we are having sex regularly, I’m fairly oblivious to porn because if I’m scoring, I’m ok. Now, I’m realistic enough to know that sometimes you’re not going to feel like it and I understand but know that my resistence has a limit and you can help or hurt that by realizing that we need to make a concerted, regular effort. Finally, in the interum, in order to make sure that I don’t look at naked pictures of other women, I want to have naked pictures of you.”
It sounds like a big pose or a farse, but by laying it out there for us to look at she realized that the best thing to keep me from looking at porn was to keep me focused on her. I already knew that but it took the awkwardness out of the days where you really want to score and they are giving you the “not now.” You could look at her and say “that’s fine, but soon, ok?” and she suddenly could take stock of am i really that tired. The way I saw it, it’s her marriage too and if I know that my engine is creeping into the red and she doesn’t, is that really fair to her. I think not.
Great comments both of you.
Sorry for the delay, but to cut down spam I have comments with the word “porn” in them sent to comment moderation.
Rob,
That is a novel approach. I found that after I fessed up to the wife, I was able to be more honest with her. Like you guys, when it just isn’t going to work out tonight, she will ask me if I am ok. That is not a meaningless statement. She is asking me if I am OK. I have learned to be honest and tell her yes, I am ok, or not. (UPDATE: The key is honesty. When you honestly look at the question, it becomes almost comical. Of course I can live another 24 hours. But asking the question does make you stop and think. Thinking brings the realization that it is not the end of the world
)
Like you, when I am praying and talking to God on a daily basis, I find that I don’t have the struggles, but when I get busy and life just gets going, I find it tougher.
Yeah, guilt isn’t where it’s at. We have been listening to a pastor from a church in California for the past 3 years or so and some of his words have really opened up my eyes to how I view myself and my failures.
For too long the church has taught us that we are just poor sinners saved by grace. That is not quite accurate. Yes we have been saved by grace as Ephesians 2: 8-9 says:
And yes we were all sinners
BUT….
Because of Jesus we have salvation, he saved us from our sin and the best part is:
Because of Jesus I am no longer a sinner. Do I sin? Yes, but it is not my nature. For when I was saved I received a new nature. I received the mind of Christ. We know that Christ did not sin, so therefore when I accepted Christ, my old sin nature died. It’s gone. Bye bye.
Yet we still struggle. Why? Hey, the enemy isn’t going to lose without a fight. We have the mind of Christ so:
It is a constant relationship with God. If you begin to ignore Him, your mind ceases to be renewed and the enemy has an opportunity.
So. What to do when we sin? Guilt is not of God, but realizing your sin, confessing it and moving on is of God. Wallowing in self pity or remorse has nothing to do with God. But at the same time we don’t want to continue sinning so that grace may abound.
Rather than accountability groups, having a good friend to hold you accountable seems to work better. My brother-in-law Jon helps me with that. Sure I could lie to him, but what good would that do for our relationship or my walk? He is my best friend and will not let me wallow in self pity and guilt. Yeah, you messed up, what are you going to do to clean up your mess? What’s your plan for not messing up again? Good, now let’s move on.
I guess the point is to be constantly advancing. Many times Christians get saved (get their ticket to Heaven) and then just sit there waiting to die or for Jesus to come back. Come on! We have work to do to advance His Kingdom here on earth. There are sick to be heal, dead to be raised and captives to be set free!
This is a bit rambling, but it’s how my mind is today.
BTW, Ephesians is a great book!
A courageous move on your part. This is an addiction that continually ruins marriages and God’s destiny for those whom He created. Religion has made men retreat from genuine help from the Church, while Jesus seeks us to rely upon Him without condemnation, wanting us free more than we ourselves. Knowing His love and who we are in Him makes all the difference in the world. Thanks for bringing up such an important topic.
I disagree with Rob’s idea that accountability groups are simply a way to assuage our guilt. Luckily, our guilt is gone through Christ. When working a 12 step program we are accountable to each other and, more importantly, to those who are still out there in the midst of their addiction.
The whole thing about listening to someone else’s issues is it takes me out of me and allows me to focus on my brother or sister. I connect with God in a much more intimate way. I would like to share the 12 steps and the scripture that corresponds to them.
STEP ONE - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or drugs, or gambling, or lust) — that our lives had become unmanageable.
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. (Romans 7:18)
STEP TWO - Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose. (Philippians 2:13)
STEP THREE - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. (Romans 12:1)
STEP FOUR - MADE A SEARCHING AND FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY OF OURSELVES.
Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. (Lamentations 3:40)
STEP FIVE - ADMITTED TO GOD, TO OURSELVES, AND TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING THE EXACT NATURE OF OUR WRONGS.
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. (James 5:16a)
STEP SIX - WERE ENTIRELY READY TO HAVE GOD REMOVE ALL THESE DEFECTS OF CHARACTER.
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up. (James 4:10)
STEP SEVEN - HUMBLY ASKED HIM TO REMOVE OUR SHORTCOMINGS.
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)
STEP EIGHT - Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. (Luke 6:31)
STEP NINE - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24)
STEP TEN - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall. (1 Corinthians 10:12)
STEP ELEVEN - Sought though prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly. (Colossians 3:16a)
STEP TWELVE - Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. (Galatians 6:1)
I like it Michael. I do.
If there is a purpose and their is forward progress, then I’m for it.
It boils down to relationship with Jesus. If you maintain it, amazing things happen. If you break it, it’s amazing how quickly and how far you can fall.
One of the best definitions of Self Control that has really helped me is this: Self Control is having your YES(Jesus) so loud that all the NO(s)(Porn,Alcohol, Drugs ect..) lose thier voice.
Hey Mike,
I found your blog through an email telling the good news about baby Mei. Congratulations! This C.S.Lewis quote comes to mind in reading your thoughts and admissions as well as the other postings.
“Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
It is not to deny the natural pleasures that he has created us to enjoy… just to say don’t stop there. Become the ultimate hedonist; experience joy though worshiping Him wholeheartedly.