General @ Sunday March 09, 2008 07:31 pm by WunderKraut
Several of you have mentioned that I need to post an update on Mei. Yeah, sorry about that, but life has been hectic since we got back from China.
The short answer is that Mei is doing great, with a few bumps.
The long answer is, well, longer…duh.
Mei seems to fit in wonderfully with our family. She loves the other kids. In fact, they have become masters at making her laugh. I don’t mean little smiles and giggles, I mean full on laughs, from deep inside. It makes us all laugh as well.
She doesn’t seem to mind the dog too much, though sometimes Lucy get’s on her nerves, heck, Lucy gets on my nerves at least three times a day, so Mei is adjusting well.
The cat on the other hand…man Mei freaks out if she sees the cat. The cat is an outside cat and the only time Mei sees her is when we leave the door open. But if she sees the cat, she freaks out. Odd that the dog can get right up in her face and she usually does ok, but she sees a cat from across the room and she flips.
We took her to her first well visit with the doctor. He said she was about right for a 7 or 8 month old…she will be one in little over a week…so she has some catching up to do. He checked her out from head to toe and pronounced her in great health. At the time we were concerned with her not crawling and not even making much of an attempt at it. He told us he would place a call to Babies Can’t Wait to see about getting her evaluated.
The amazing thing is that she started crawling THE NEXT DAY. Now she is everywhere. It was amazing. It was almost like she woke up knowing how to crawl!
Physically, she is doing great. Developmentally, she is a bit behind, but making rapid strides to catch up. Socially, she loves the kids and seems really well adjusted. Emotionally, well…
Mei was raised for 10 months in an orphanage. Children who have been institutionalized often have their own bag of issues that they bring with them.
Mei is no different.
She loves us, I have no doubt about that, but she doesn’t really trust us. Think about it, the mother who carried her for 9 months abandoned her. She was raised by Nannies for 10 months, then abandoned by them. We got her and took her to a hotel where she lived for a week. Then we changed hotels. Then we flew across the world to another world. Then she came to her new home.
There isn’t much reason for her to trust us.
During the day she has been great, but at night, she has really suffered. She is not sleeping well at night, maybe only 2 to 3 hours at a time and when she wakes up she wants us. That may sound just like every other baby in the world, but it is different.
We let our other kids “cry it out” in order to learn to put themselves to sleep. You know the deal, you lay them down, tell them you love them, they scream for 10 minutes, you go back in, pick them up, love on them, then put them back down, they cry for 10 minutes and you repeat as needed until the child puts themselves to sleep. The next day it is a little easier and then in a few days, they learn to put themselves to sleep.
Trust me, we’ve done it, but you can’t do it with Mei.
Please understand me and trust me on this. I know some out there are shaking their heads thinking she is no different than any other kid, but she is.
You need to keep in mind she did not spend 9 months in Jens womb. She did not spend her first few days suckling with Jen. She did not spend 10 months with us, day in and day out. The only thing she has known has been change. Your biological baby has no reason in the world to doubt whether or not you will be there in the morning. It is all she has ever known. But Mei, why should she expect us to be there? After all, there have been mornings where her Mom/Nannies weren’t there.
We tried letting her cry one night. It was a huge mistake. She would not stop crying, even when Jen finally came to get her. She was pulling her hair and hitting herself. She was a wreck.
We have finally decided to move her into our room. We put her crib next to Jen’s side of the bed where she can see Jen. When she wakes up, often times Jen can get her back to sleep by just patting her on the back. There are still long nights, but it has worked so that we can sleep and Mei can sleep.
There have been other examples of her attachment issues.
One day last week, Jen was feeding her in her high chair when my sister came over. Mei has seen my sister many times, but that night she stopped eating and started fussing. Jen picked her up and noticed that Mei had broken out in a cold sweat. She was terrified.
Last night, Jen had gone to sleep on the couch because she was having issues with her nose and a cough. Mei woke up, so I picked her up, she started panicking, looking for Jen. It broke my heart. My baby did not want me at all. I’ve always been able to comfort our kids, but not last night. Jen got back in bed and for the rest of the night, Mei would wake up and begin looking for Jen. Once she saw her, she would put her head down and go back to sleep.
How long will this last? I have no idea. Nothing like this lasts forever, but to me, I am willing to wait as long as it takes. She has some issues that we need to help her through and letting her “cry it out” just isn’t going to help anything.
The result is that Jen and I have slept very little this past week. Well, I got some sleep while I was out of town, but Jen is exhausted. That is why she took a 3 hour nap today, she needed it.
Every day with Mei strengthens the bonds between us. Over time, she will come to trust us, it just may take time. Her time.
I have video of her crawling, but have been too busy to post it. Maybe tomorrow night. She is the cutest thing in the world.
One more thing, she is teething like a son of a b*tch. Poor thing. Her mouth looks terrible. I wouldn’t be surprised if 10 teeth came in all at once!
Anyway, over all she is doing very well. She has some issues, but don’t well all?
Good night and God bless
6 Responses to “Mei Update”
I’ve been praying for you guys… she’ll be fine eventually… heck, my kids do sleep through the night, but now that i’m 4o something, I wake up ALL the time… heh hee.
Love you guys
I really feel for you both! Here’s some thoughts from someone who’s BTDT. We got our little Kunming Kutie when she was ~8.5 months old back in Dec’05. She started crawling when she turned 1, the day after she was evaluated by an Early Childhood Intervention worker 8^). She started walking when she was about 16 mos. It does take time for the babies’ physical condition to make up for being institutionalized. Having older siblings is the best thing — Mei has other kids to play with and emulate. That intellectual and physical stimulation really helps. Our son is a wild & crazy guy and our BeiBei was delighted to be with him.
Emotionally & sleep-wise, it took our girl quite a while to settle down. She’s a champion sleeper most of the time now, but we still have periods where she wakes at night and needs to know that mama is nearby. We knew that she wasn’t used to sleeping in a room by herself, so her crib was in our room from Day 1. It really IS hard on old mom and dad — but like all things, this too shall pass. My bio son had sleep issues since he was a baby (he didn’t like to sleep), so I was somewhat prepared for the worst with BeiBei.
Every child’s attachment process is different — sounds like you guys are doing all of the right things and are on the right track. Your Mei will be a velcro baby for a while, and that’s ok. Whatever it takes to build that bond and let her know that she’s safe with you. BeiBei still can’t let me out of her sight at home — but she blows me a good-bye kiss when she goes to pre-school, and boy, does she love to run away me at church! I guess it’s her warring natures (clingy vs independent diva).
Remember where you draw your strength. That makes the difference in handling the ups & downs.
Sorry to hear you guys are not sleeping well. As you know already, it will get better over the next weeks, months, years.
I am going to ask, what to me is the most obvious question. Have you guys considering having the baby sleep in bed with you guys? OK, I know this is a very uncool subject with most of my friends with infants/toddlers. But maybe because both my wife and I are originally from India, it was second nature for our kids to sleep in bed with us. Our 3.5 year old son slept with us for 6 months, and later eased into a crib that was in our bedroom for another 6-8 months, before eventually moving him to a crib within his own bedroom. He actually made the transition very easily compared to our 10 month old daughter, who still needs the scent, and body heat of the parents at night. In the last month she has slowly made the transition to a crib for naps. But I can see that she may not move from the crib (in our room) to her own bedroom until she is well into 18+ months.
I have noticed that this sharing beds with parents scenario is a very old world thing. I rarely hear of my U.S. friends and even less of my friends who live in the UK, and Germany that do the bed sharing thing. Maybe it’s a first world type of behavior. If I recall correctly, I shared a bed with my parents in India till I was about 2 years old. And then just transitioned to a normal bed thereafter. I don’t even think I had a crib of any sort.
Any ways, your mileage may vary. But I, as well as my wife, feel that constant touch is very important. It just builds a strong feeling of trust, and a sense of bonding. Again I just thought I would offer up that suggestion, since Mei is probably even more hypersensitive about trust and bonding then any of my biological children. I know it’s tough, so hang in there.
-Tejash
You guys are already off to a great start. And you, Mike, have way more parental sense than ninety nine percent of the guys I know. I’m praying that God will cover your family, especially Mei, with His peace and comfort.
Thanks for the thoughtful comments.
Tejash, yeah the whole kid in your bed thing.
I do not mind it, but I’ve had a fear of having our babies in bed with us since our first was born almost 8 years ago. I guess I’ve seen too many news stories about people rolling over on their kids and smothering them.
See, the thing is, I’m a very active sleeper. I have been known to do many, many things in my sleep. Just ask Jen. I act out my dreams. I’ve been known to drag Jen out of the bed when she was 8 months pregnant in order to “save her from the bees”…I’ve flung the covers off the bed looking for ants at the end of the bed. So, you can imagine my fear if my baby was in bed when I had one of my moments.
We also only have a queen size bed. Now, if we had a room for a king size, then maybe it would be easier to have them in bed with us. As it stands, I don’t trust myself in my sleep. I’m a big guy and a baby would be no match for my fat ass if I rolled over.
BUT. I totally see your point. In fact, last night was a good night. Mei slept for 2 hours on me in the recliner. Then she slept either on or next to Jen the rest of the night. But Jen kept her on her side of the bed, which caused her to worry about the baby falling out of the bed.
In the end, I’m not sure what we will do. Maybe we will get a king size bed and be done with it. It would fit in our room, but we may only have 6″ of room to walk around it.
Again, thanks for taking the time to write and thanks Rocket Scientist, whoever you are.
Ahem….scratch my earlier suggestion. I am surprised you are even allowed in the same bedroom.
Wow. That really is some “active” sleep.
-Tejash