General @ Tuesday March 18, 2008 07:22 pm by WunderKraut
As I posted earlier, today is Mei’s first birthday.
Well, actually, it may not be. The truth is, we may never know her actual birthday. Today is the day doctors say she was born. Based on when they found her, the condition of the umbilical chord and other things.
The past week I’ve been thinking a lot about her birth parents.
While today has been a happy day for us, it was probably the hardest day of their lives.
My wife has carried 3 babies to term. I fondly remember feeling our first baby kick in her womb. I remember talking at night wondering if the baby would be a boy or a girl, who she/he would look like, what their personality would be. I remember the scary ride to the hospital for our first born. Man was I nervous and I wasn’t even doing anything.
I remember the shear joy of seeing my children for the first time. On Madi’s video, you can tell I had no idea something was wrong with her foot. I was just so happy to finally see her.
I remember holding our babies for the first time and showing them off to the room full of proud friends and family. All the details: length, weight, time, how’s Jen? Any problems?
I remember how scared I was for little Charlie when they had to put him in the ICU for his breathing. It was so frightening to think something was wrong. In the end it was just as a precaution.
I remember everything like it was yesterday.
So…
When I hold little Mei in my arms, I do not have those same memories. I have an entirely different, yet just as special, set of memories. I remember finding out her name for the first time. I remember seeing her picture for he first time. She was actually real. After all this time, she was real. The day we were handed little Mei was a whirlwind, not unlike a birth. There were papers to fill out, pictures to be taken and family to be updated half a world away. The first time she fell asleep in my arms was Heaven on earth.
But…
Her mother’s memories are not the same.
Why did she give Mei up? Was it strictly because of China’s “One Child Policy” and they already had another child? Was it because she was a girl and they wanted a boy? Was it for economic reasons?
I guess the reasons are not important. No matter the reason, she felt Mei kick in her womb, she wondered if Mei was going to be a girl or a boy, she may of had a name for Mei, she felt the excitement/panic of going into labor and finally she got to hold Mei and look down at her perfectly round little face.
I wonder how long she held her. Was it a few minutes, hours, days?
My heart breaks for you and I am at a loss for words.
I can never imagine the loss you felt and probably still feel. I pray that the Lord will fill that loss with His peace and His joy.
4 Responses to “On Mei’s Birthday”
powerful – so well said – so vivid. Thank you for sharing your heart.
You know, as a birth mother myself, I can tell you that it is a primitive instinct to protect and to provide for your biological child. This instinct exists no matter where you live and no matter what your circumstances. With this in mind, I have absolutely no doubt that Mei’s birth mother abandoned her because she felt (or actually knew) she would be unable to protect and provide for her. Unfortunately, I am also certain that her birth mother will be broken hearted and haunted all the days of her life if she remains uncertain of what became of her daughter. Each and every day, she will ache for her daughter and pray that her daughter has the kind of life that she was unable to provide her with. She will wonder each and every day what her daughter looks like and what her personality is like. She will pray that her daughter is happy and thriving and that she will one day understand the complexity of life in China for present day women, and know that her mother did and does still deeply love her.
If the orphanage that cared for Mei would be kind enough to keep a file on her through the years, just in case her birth parents ever try to determine what happened to their birth daughter, that would be great. Your family could send contact info and yearly photo updates for the file just in case. …Just imagine, one day some of these unanswered questions just may, if in God’s plan, be able to be answered.
We were able to visit the orphanage and meet the director. As a result, we have the address of the orphanage and the directors email.
We plan on sending updates as Mei grows, so the Nannies who loved her for 10 months can watch her grow as well.
As far as her birth mother is concerned, I really do not think there is any way she could even know who her baby is.
This is because Mei, like other Chinese orphans, was abandoned. There is no paper work on who her parents are. Nothing. They even had to advertise in the paper that Mei was found, her age, her physical features. After a certain time passes, the child is considered officially abandoned.
I can’t think of anyway her mother would know which orphanage she ended up in and even if she did, only blood tests would prove which baby was hers. Now that we are in the U.S., I’m not sure how that would work or if it would work.
I’ve never have been opposed to Mei knowing her birth mother, but adopting from China kind of makes it impossible. That is why we went to the orphanage. We wanted to have as much information about her hometown, birth and finding as possible to be able to tell her as she grows up. We were even able to go to the spot where she was found. We took pictures. It is part of where she comes from.
I really do pray that the Lord will take the pain away from Mei’s mother and that her mother will come to know the Lord through all this. We prayed for 2 years for Mei and her mom, even though we did not even know her yet. I still pray for her mom.
This is a bit rambling, sorry.
I understand. By chance did the orphanage keep a copy of the newspaper article that was published when Mei was found? Did it include a photograph of her as well or did they take a photo of her as a newborn?? From what I have read, I imagine that her mom did not have the money to travel far to abandon her, she probably walked to the site, so isn’t it likely that she lives within the vicinity of where Mei was found? And, I was thinking that Mei was likely taken to the orphanage in closest proximity to where she was found, …but maybe not? With all of these things in mind, her birth mother might have a chance of playing detective and possibly finding her one day?? It truly is a tragedy that there is no real “trail” for adopted kids from China. …Korea learned from their past mistakes and now kids adopted from Korea can many times find their birth families later in life to get those concrete answers. As you know, Mei does and will always love you guys dearly, but there will come a time in her life that she will want to understand how she came to live across the ocean. She will want to understand the culture of women that look like her. Fortunately, there are now many “sisters” in the US that share missing pasts from China which will be a great support system for her as she matures. With your family’s love and support, she will find her way.