No, I’m not talking about the Georgia Tech yellow jackets, which coincidentally are 2-0 so far this season….

Nope, I’m talking about good old stinging yellow jackets…

Vespula maculifrons – Latin for Evil Bastards

I was up working on the church property Saturday morning with my brother-in-law and his wife (Jon and Jo). He was running a chain saw removing some trees, while I was manning a weed eater trying to trim back a few patches of overgrown ivy.

I gave up on the weed eater after the third time changing the line and switched to using our old beater lawn mower. I was making good progress when it happened…

I know what to look for when in the woods. When I was a small kid, I was in the woods with my Granddad when we came upon an underground yellow jacket nest. He warned me about them and is probably one of the reasons I fear them so much. Later that night, he poured gas in the hole and lit it of fire. So, I know to keep my eyes open for bees and wasps.

Even when I was pushing the mower, I was telling myself to stay focused, to keep my eyes on the ground, but the ivy was too tall and I didn’t see the hole until it was too late.

I was wearing long pants, a tucked in undershirt and an unbuttoned long sleeve shirt. I wear so much, even in the South Georgia heat, because I am very allergic to poison ivy. Anyway, I was pushing the mower when I felt a sharp, and I do mean sharp pain on the back of my right hand. I slapped my hand with my left hand, turned and did my very best Jessie Owens imitation. I didn’t think, I just ran.

After taking a few strides I heard buzzing in/around my long sleeve shirt so off it came in a flash.

I ran about 60 to 70 yards to where Jon was standing. I was gibbering about yellow jackets, pain, nest, yellow jackets, pain, son of a b*tch, pain, yellow jackets, bastards, nest. I was jumping around, afraid to stand still.

Jon very calmly told me to stand still and come to him. He had to say it very loudly the second time as I was still going on about yellow jackets, nest, pain…

The reason he called me over was because there were 3 or 4 yellow jackets on my pants leg and he didn’t want me to freak out…as if I could freak out any more than I was. He calmly brushed them off with his work gloves and killed them.

I settled down for a second to get out that it felt like someone had hit my hand with a 2×4.

Just then I grabbed my stomach and screamed…I had been stung again. In an instant my undershirt was off.

Hand to God I was within seconds of stripping down to my underwear, but then I remembered that Jo was right there and I had already made her go blind by being shirtless…

So there I was, waving my undershirt around and hooping and hollering…

After a few minutes, I realized I wasn’t being stung anymore. My breathing was still very erratic and the hair on my body felt like it was still standing up. I was still muttering about how much the stings hurt. The sting on my stomach was about an inch below my belly button. There was a large welt with a spot of blood in the middle. My hand felt like it has been hit with a ruler…not flat, but on the edge.

I pulled myself together and walked in the church, where I promptly stripped down to my underwear. I proceeded to shake my pants several times to make sure nothing was hiding in there. Then I picked up my undershirt and saw that the little bastard who stung me was still in there. A few dozen stomps with my shoe and I was sure he was dead.

I made my way back outside and talked with Jon and Jo. We walked over to where I had left the lawn mower and saw that they were still swarming over it and landing on it. 30 feet away from the nest was my long sleeve shirt which I had rapidly discarded in my flight to safety.

Jon is much braver than I am. His wife says it’s more stupidity than valor, but I do admire the way very few things faze him. He walked over to my shirt and opened it up. Just then a yellow jacket darted out of the shirt and stung him on his forearm. He then did a very good imitation of what I must have looked like.

Later he told me that as he ran, he could still hear the buzzing of the yellow jacket and thought, my God, they’re fast. Only when he stopped did he realize that it had landed on his shoulder. Luckily, he was able to get it off before he got stung again.

Going back to see the nest today, the only thing that saved me from further pain and possible serious injury was that it was unseasonably cool Saturday morning. The yellow jackets were sluggish, as evidenced by the ones clinging to my pant legs. If it had been in the afternoon, things would have been much, much worse.

I ended up having a pretty nasty reaction to the stings. My hand swelled up and it was very painful for me to make a fist until today. The worst spot was my stomach. The sting seemed much more severe and as the day went on I noticed that the irritated spot was spreading across my stomach. My muscles hurt and for awhile, I grew a bit concerned that I was having a reaction that could cause serious harm. It felt like someone was punching me in the stomach most of the day.

I took some Benadryl and promptly fell asleep…at a birthday party…while everyone was talking…while sitting straight up. It was so bad, Jen had to drive me home and put me to bed. I don’t know what was worse, the stings or the Benadryl. Well, that’s a lie, the stings were much worse.

Today most of the pain is gone, but the sting sites are very itchy and the tendons on the back of my hard are very sore.

Thank you Jesus it wasn’t any worse than it was.

I found this video of a yellow jacket nest being disturbed. You have to watch it to the end to see the sheer numbers of wasps that come out of the darn thing.

PS: I am deathly afraid of bees and wasps. I fear them they way some people fear spiders and are arachnophobia. Seriously, it’s that bad. Just researching for this post made my skin crawl and I’m not totally unconvinced I won’t have bad dreams tonight.

*shudder*