Gabriel Malor over at Ace of Spades hits a homerun with a great snap shot of the conflict between Israel and those who seek to destroy Israel:

It’s been said before but it is worth repeating a thousand times: if Hamas, Hezbollah, and most of the Arab states (and Iran) laid down their weapons tomorrow and forgot about their plans to dissolve Israel, there would be peace in the Middle East. The Israelis could forget about the fences and the Palestinians might one day have something approximating a Western standard of living. On the other hand, if Israel laid down its weapons tomorrow, the country would be utterly annihilated, the Israelis killed to the last man, woman, and child.

And that, folks, is the sad, sad truth.

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From one of my new favorite blogs: Rachel Lucas.

She’s heading to England because her soon to be husbands job has relocated him there. In order to live overseas, his company required her to get a physical, complete with chest X-rays.

Says Ms. Lucas:

Then she stuck so many needles in my arm that I almost passed out, then the doctor stuck things up my nose and in my ears, and then I was given a nice dose of radiation via chest x-ray. I felt like I was being processed to donate my organs to science. That would be a bad idea; I’m mostly made of Taco Bell.

I totally understand. I’m mostly made of sausage.

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JR over at File It Under wins today.

Not sure if you know it or not, but today has been designated “Day Without Gay”. It’s to be a day for all gay people to “call in gay” to show their bosses and the world how much they would be missed if there were no gay people in the workforce.

I’m not so sure of their timing.

See, San Francisco is going to have to layoff 400 workers to close a budget shortfall. 400 people will be out of work. Not good. This was announced yesterday…the day before “Day Without Gay”…so…

That’s right. For those of you following along at home, they are organizing a needless worker strike in San Francisco on a day when the Mayor of San Francisco is trying to figure out how to determine which 400 employees will get laid off.

Its like an economic Darwin award going on.

What a great line.

This morning I was chatting with a friend of mine, who happens to be gay, when the following exchange took place:

M: i should have called in gay today

M: did u read about that?

WK: Yeah, I saw that

M: some people are going to be gay and unemployed!

WK: that crossed my mind

That made me chuckle, but coupled with JR’s post, I laughed out loud.

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Today’s IWIHWT comes from the good folks over at Cracked.com and their “5 Insane Devices From Kids Cartoons (That Actually Exist)” post.

One of the funniest ones is the “The Tom and Jerry-Style Mouse-Killing Chamber”:

When a mouse enters the passageway, he activates a circuit that releases trap doors, blocking off both the entrances and trapping him in sealed chamber. Before Mickey can begin to sh*t his little black pants, a pressurized cylinder locks open and begins to fill the tunnel with carbon dioxide, asphyxiating the guy in 45 seconds.

If you think that’s some James Bond sh*t, hold on to your drawers: the unit then sends you a text message letting you know the deed has been done. An actual text message, as in: OMG UR MOUSE IZ DED.

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This is a great Lileks post ripping one Ms. Heather Mallick writing for the Canadian CBC News.

Here are the best bits:

Why, if the hillbillies disappeared, the New Yorkers would be reduced to making disparaging remarks about people from New Jersey who take the bridges and tunnels to go clubbing in LowSoHo or MoTriVil or whatever old neighborhood has been fitted out with thudding discos and fusion-sushi joints.

Why does this demographic – the white trash, I mean, not the orange trash of the Guido Jersey interlopers – have such a “curious appeal” to the right?
—
“Cleverist” is a matter of opinion, but I’d suggest that when Mark Steyn gets a haircut, the shorn pieces fall to the floor and form, at random, cleverer observations in the form of Chinese characters.

And here is the best one:

Of course she’s scared. People like her are always scared. It’s a lonely world when you’re just so damned right and everyone else is so stupid.

That’s why God made cats.

Go read it all.

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Ace of Spades has a cool “Top Headlines” thing that runs on the left side of his site. This is where he and other contributors can put stories that don’t quite merit a full blog post. This feature has evolved lately and is now one of my favorite parts of the site.

What usually happens is the person putting up the headline tags the link with something funny, which makes you want to go read the article in question.

In particular, Ace has been on fire making fun of the Democrats and their constant Jew dropping on Rep. Eric Cantor, a congressman from Virginia. Mr. Cantor is a Jew and for some reason the MSM and their buddies over at the DNC feel the need to keep reminding people about that.

I don’t understand why it makes any difference, but it has gotten ridiculous lately.

So Ace has been making fun of them by writing headlines like this:

Jewish Representative Eric “The Jew” Cantor Jews his Way on to McCain’s (not a Jew) Short List of Possible Jew Veep Candidates

This message sponsored by the DNC… PS, did we mention he’s a Jew? You guys are pissed about Bill Ayers? Well, this guy killed Jesus. Think about that!

Here’s a screen shot, since I can’t link to a headline:

Too funny.

You should have read the headlines from a few weeks ago. You need to read Ace every day to keep up with the inside jokes.

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Rob over at Say Anything has a brief post up about how Democrats want Obama to pick Hillary as his running mate.

Says Rob:

Obama won’t pick Hillary as his VP (can you imagine living your life as the only thing between Hillary and the oval office?), but that puts Obama in a pretty tough spot. By choosing someone else Obama removes the last chance of reconciliation with the Clintons and Hillary’s supporters are free to support McCain this year. Or stay home and pout.

Yeah, that would make for a long 4+ years of sleeping with one eye open.

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Rachael Ray gets on my last nerve. See here.

If I had to narrow down my reasons for disliking her I’d have to say it’s her sneer and her accent.

Gah!!!!!

Anyway, Ace had a blurb about a blogger hatin’ on Rachael. Naturally, I had to go read it.

Very funny. Its over at Temple of Suck and is written by Michele. She lists 9 reasons why she hates Rachael Ray.

Best one is #6:

6. I like my food people to have personalities that make me want to eat with them. Even the fat priest on my local cable channel looks like fun. Anthony Bourdain, Andrew Zimmerman – I could definitely hang with them and talk about food all night. Hell, I’d even hang out with that weirdo Alton Brown. But five minutes with Rachael Ray would make me want to drown her in a vat of EVOO.

Heh

Very minor content warning, but nothing approaching Jeff at The Shape of Days. So don’t worry too much.

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Ace wins again.

This time he’s making fun of Obama’s “tough” stance on Iran after they fired missiles capable of hitting Israel and U.S. bases in the region.

Says Ace:

This guy isn’t the Messiah. He’s Captain Bullsh*t.

Bonus: Even more halo pictures of the Sainted Obama. Look guys, this is getting pretty ridiculous. He’s just a man. A man lacking any sort of substance.

More halo’s here, here and here.

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Bluto over at The Jawa Report rips the House of Representatives a new one over their stupid bill to force the Justice Department to sue OPEC under U.S. anti-trust laws.

Man, they really do not get it do they?

Several of you have asked me about the high gas prices. Bluto covers why they are high.

It might work if we were the only customer for OPEC oil. You know, if there wasn’t a huge ready market desperate for oil at almost any price. Certainly there are many rapacious villains within OPEC. So what? They’re willing to drill for oil. We aren’t.

It is Congress that has allowed the ban on drilling in ANWR to stand. It is Congress that has not acted to approve drilling in our coastal waters – better that Mexico do it. We have not built a new oil refinery in more than 25 years, and are not building any now, despite the dire warning of Hurricane Katrina, which threatened the few we have. It is Congress that has allowed ignorant, superstitious crackpots to halt nuclear power plants in this country, leaving the generation of electricity up to coal- and oil-fired plants. And it is Congress that allows the states to keep their own idiotic “environmental” recipes for gasoline. Do you remember what your gas mileage was when President Bush suspended the practice temporarily after Katrina? Mine was 25-30% better. Does the vastly reduced mileage under my state’s gasoline recipe help the environment? Seems doubtful.

Geesh, someone buy Congress a basic Econ 101 book that explains Supply and Demand.

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Via Ace, Via Doubleplusundead.

An interesting look into the mind of a Nanny from A Fine Line Between Stupid and Clever. Now I’m sure this is just a very wide generalization, but it’s still funny.

Why would a hot young chick even want to be a nanny? Probably because it’s easy. You get free room and board (usually very nice digs) some decent pocket money, and you hang out with spoiled kids who probably play Wii all day anyway. It’s just a little easier than being a stripper.

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Ace has the Best Title Ever on one of his posts today.

Yes, you heard me…

Best
Title
EVER!

Says the title:

German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s Breasts Threaten To Burst Out of Dress, Capture Poland

Not content to ride on the strength of the title, he provides this about Der Chancellor:

Beats Von Hindenburg all to hell, I can tell you that. He was only a C-cup.

And that, my friends, is why I read Ace every day.

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Jeff from The Shape of Days has a nice post up about drugs and the law. One of the things I respect most about Jeff is his willingness to look at both sides of a story or to look at an issue without partisan passion.

Yesterday’s post follows the same mold. What do you do about drugs? He starts by talking about a girl suing her dealer for selling her Meth. That then leads to a discussion on drug laws.

The strict Libertarian model says that everything should be legal because we are all adults and if I want to buy drugs that is my business. Or something along those lines.

Then there is the strict Conservative model which says, “Drugs are bad. Mkay” so let’s put everyone in prison!

Where do I fall? I think I am somewhere in the middle. My views have changed much over the years and honestly, I don’t know.

The War on Drugs has succeeded in one respect…many, many, many people are behind bars for nothing more than possession. Not for dealing or hurting someone, but just for possession…I liken it to an underage kid being caught holding a beer. Yes, he broke the law, but do we put him away for 5 years where he will really learn to be a criminal? No, we call his Dad. I know, it’s not quite the same when you are talking about crack, meth or heroine.

Anyway. I like to have discussions where people actually think about what they are saying. I think we learn more and the discussion is actually productive if we can do that. Wrong is still wrong and right is still right, but when you approach a complicated subject like drugs, just saying they are bad and people who use them should be locked up isn’t going to cut it with me.

Now on to the funny:

If I had a goldfish bowl full of blow and a drinking straw, the only person who’d be harmed by my hoovering the whole damn thing — assuming I didn’t subsequently do something that would put others in danger — would be me. In the absence of an aggrieved second party, there’s nobody there to sue me, and the state’s interest in protecting me from myself is modest at best.
—
Possession? Doughnuts are bad for you, but you don’t get hauled off to jail for carrying a box of Krispy Kremes.

“Hoovering” – Priceless!

It’s a very well written post, as most of Jeff’s are. Go take a gander.

Oh, by the way…no one bought me a copy of Jeff’s book for Christmas and my heart still hurts from the disappointment. If you care.

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Your Turkey Day I Wish I Had Written That comes from Ace of Spades.

He has a short post about some idiot environmental type group who wants people to only eat food that is grown/raised local to you…Um…Ok…

I’m just guessing here, but I don’t think there are nearly enough turkey farms near the average city to actually satisfy demand. Which means you have to find some sort of local meat for a substitute, like, I don’t know, railroad hobos.

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Yep, I’m lazy. Deal with it.

I know not all of you read Jeff from The Shape of Days, but you should. His short posts about falling in love with women on the subway are some of his best. This one is no exception.

Best line:

“I’m in love with an albino girl” is probably already the title of an emo song. But if not, somebody should get to work on that immediately.

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Rob over at File It Under is one of my blogging heroes. He does his best day in and day out. He also has a great photo blog.

Not to reveal too much about the secret world of bloggers, but Rob and I happen to be twins. Somehow (I blame aliens) we have the same DNA and seem to be living the same life. It’s actually scary how many times we have both commented that we are living the same life.

Anyway, here is a great random post. Random posts about what’s in your mind at the time are fun. Go read it and enjoy the randomness of it.

Best line:

Genghis Khan is my bitch.

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Mr. Bingley over at the wonderful Coalition of the Swilling has one of his famous cooking posts up. It’s a yummy chicken recipe.

In explaining how to prepare the chicken he has this to say:

Muwhahahahaha! I feel so eeevul holding a creature’s freshly detached backbone!

Anyhow, flip the spineless creature over and, using your palm in a very real and patriarchy-inspired manner squage the breastbone down with the heel of your palm and break the bugger so the spineless chicken lies more or less flat

Heh. You made me laugh Bingley. You made me laugh.

PS: Just as info, THS, no trees were harmed (much) during the writing of this post. You’re welcome.

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Look, you guys need to send me some new material.

My IWIHWT posts are turning into a Jeff and Ace love fest.

I know, I know, I need to read more, but dang-it, they both have a way with words.

Anyhoo…

Here’s Ace talking about his “normal” courtship rituals:

That quote is completely taken out of context — they’re referring to the old saw about people being more likely to hook up after being excited by fear or the like. Horror movies, roller coasters, lurking menacingly outside windows wearing nothing but clown makeup and a butcher’s apron. Classic courtship ploys like that.

Man I hate clowns.

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I needed some cheering up today and good old Jeff did the job.

From his post today about reports that astronauts have been drunk for shuttle take offs:

Besides, think about it. They’re sitting on top of four million pounds of rocket fuel and liquid hydrogen in a flimsy aluminum glider built by the lowest bidder.

You wouldn’t get me within a mile and a half of the launch pad or “ground zero”, if you prefer without plying me with three shots of tequila and a line of coke first. No freakin’ way, man.

Thanks Jeff, I needed a chuckle today.

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I have stayed away from the Immigration Bill that is the talk of the town on the Hill and in the blogosphere.

The short version… I’m against the bill.

Chalk me up as one of those silly people that feels that the borders should be secured first, then we can talk about amnesty. I understand the reality of the existing illegal immigrant population and that something needs to be done to allow them a path to legality and eventual citizenship, but not until we can secure our borders.

As the bill is now, it is nothing but amnesty now….enforcement…eh, maybe some time down the road.

I have been following the debate over at Ace’s and it seems to boil down to corruption of the highest nature. The VAST majority of Americans are against this bill, yet it seems destined to pass without so much as a public hearing.

So anyway, that is all I am going to say about that.

Ace’s most recent post sums it up best. Well, the last line of this post.

Ace, he has a way with words.

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Jeff at The Shape of Days has a great post up on nuclear weapons. He does a fantastic job of navigating the questions I hope our leaders are constantly asking themselves.

It is a tough nut to crack and I have often pondered the same things. Go read his post. It will make you think and will probably keep you up at night.

But, he does end it in typical Jeff fashion. Which is one of the reasons he gets mentioned so often in these posts:

Sure, we could comfort ourselves by remembering that it was the enemy regime that started it, and by telling ourselves that their blood is really on the hands of the evil men, now deceased, who put them in harm’s way. We could even pat ourselves on the back for having the courage to take decisive steps when no morally acceptable options presented themselves.

Would it help? Would you be able to sleep at night? Would I?

The sad truth is that I probably could. But this means nothing. As we’ve seen time and time again, my personal capacity for tolerating atrocity is humiliatingly high. The fact that I, personally, could rationalize it all away and go on with my life doesn’t mean it would be right.

“Humiliatingly high”

Yes Jeff, you do have a way with words. Keep it up.

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Bryan Preston over at Hot Air, has a great post about the CBS/Al Qaeda video saga. Sure sounds like they are the same source video to me.

But, that is not why I am writing this post. No, I am writing because Bryan said this:

That CBS and AQ used different compression standards for the web might explain it. CBS used Flash, while AQ prefers realPlayer. That’s just one more reason to hate both Al Qaeda and realPlayer, I guess.

You guess? Heck yeah! It is just but one more of a huge list of reasons why Al Qaeda and realPlayer suck.

Bryan, I totally agree with you on this one.

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It’s been a long time since I’ve read any of Jeff’s stuff over at The Shape of Days.

But, I was bored and killing the last 10 minutes of the day, so I decided to see what he’s been up too. Glad I did:

Here’s the thing about wearing white: You basically have to have a perfect body to carry it off. I’m not suggesting that you need to be one of those South American lingerie models that look so long and lean they seem to have been specially bred, like greyhounds, to thrive on a diet of cocaine, cigarettes and quadruple sugar-free non-fat lattes. Those people are freaks, barely human, from the far, far, far end of the bell curve, way past the furthest extent of normal human biology.
—
White throws everything into high relief. Been cutting back on your time on the elliptical lately? In white pants your ass will look like a radar map of the moon.

Yeah, I need to read Jeff every day. Good stuff, good stuff.

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UPDATE 8/13/08: I’ve grown tired of getting hits in for a certain link that was in this post. As a result, I have taken it out.

In the spirit of “Yeah, What He Said” posts, I give you another great Ace of Spades post called “Ace’s Generic Walk-Thru For Every Game You’ve Ever Played”. It is a repost of a very funny post. Who knows, I probably linked it the first time it came out.

Anyway:

Women like puzzles and talking to elves smoking hookahs. That’s their right, of course, but I’ll be damned before I sit there like an a**hole writing down the pictograph code the third stormtrooper had on his key-card.

If I wanted that kind of sh*t, I’d have bought Myst III, as well as the necessary peripheral: a functioning vagina.

Very funny post but I decided that my Google rating for “vagina” was too low. Also it is a funny word. No, seriously, say it out loud without smirking or laughing outright.

Vagina

Yes, I am immature, what did you expect?

Anyway. Earlier this year I wrote a post complaining about my Google rating for the phrase “nazi, mexican cesspool”. I have good news to report:

WunderKraut is currently the number one Google hit for: nazi, mexican cesspool

Wonderful. My plan is working perfectly.

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Ace.

Good old Ace.

Hey, we now know what he looks like. Check out this clip.

Anyway.

Today he is trashing the New York Times about their coverage of Lieberman’s defeat. The NYT said something about Connecticut calling itself the “Land of Steady Habits”. To which Ace replied:

No, it’s really not. Connecticut may like to call itself the “Land of Steady Habits,” but its chief political steady habit is voting for liberal Democratic Presidential candidates by fairly lopsided margins. It is nestled snugly between the state that likes to call itself The Land of Senator Hillary Clinton and another state called The Land Where Kennedys Get To Kill People Pretty Much Scot-Free Because We Love Them That F*cking Much.

Ah! Good old Ace. He does have a way with words…..

But wait it gets better:

Note that by “person,” the New York Times meant “foreign terrorist captured on enemy soil during a war.”

That’s the way “moderates” refer to such folk. As “persons.” Just personable people-person people, no different than you or me, except they j*ck off to Muslim terrorist murder-porn.

But otherwise? Just good folks.

Also…

Get a haircut you hippy!!!!

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Another classic from Dave at Garfield Ridge:

I’ve watched a 20-ish skanky tattooed blonde– black bra under a white shirt, classy!– hit on a 30-ish Indian (dot-dot Indian, not smallpox Indian) FedEx/Kinko’s employee.

It made me laugh out loud.

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Today’s “I Wish I Had Written That” comes from Dave over at Garfield Ridge.

Football on the radio, however, is like listening to deaf people f**, you have no idea what’s happening.

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***Scroll Down For A Late Entry By Jeff Harrell***

Work is spilling out my ears. I hardly have time to waste on such luxuries as the internet and Spider Solitaire. I am going to have to speak to my boss about the working conditions around here. Geesh…

Anyway. Here is another edition of “I Wish I Had Written That”. There has been a flood of wonderful blog posts, so this edition will be a compilation:

Mark Steyn.

What’s there left to say about good old Mr. Steyn? I have already featured him many times with such titles and lines as:

I Want To Have Mark Steyn’s Love Child
Mark Steyn Cures Cancer!
Yes, I am a Mark Steyn groupie.

The other day he had a great op-ed in The Washington Times:

…Remember what they used to call “climate change”? “Global warming.” And what did they call it before that? “Global cooling.” That was the big worry in the ’70s: the forthcoming ice age. Back then, Lowell Ponte had a huge bestseller called “The Cooling: Has the new ice age already begun? Can we survive?”

The answer to the first question was: Yes, it had begun. From 1940 to 1970, there was very light global cooling. That’s why the doom-mongers decided the big bucks were in the new-ice-age blockbusters.

And yet, amazingly, we’ve survived. Why? Because in 1970 the planet stopped its very slight global cooling and began to undergo very slight global warming.
—
But then in 1998 the planet stopped its very slight global warming and began to resume very slight global cooling. And this time the doom-mongers said, “Look, do we really want to rewrite the bumper stickers every 30 years? Let’s just call it ‘climate change.’ That pretty much covers it.”

Why did the earth cool between 1940 and 1970?

Beats me. Hitler? Hiroshima? Maybe we need to nuke someone every couple of decades.

Classic Steyn.

Then there is Dave from Garfield Ridge with his aptly titled post, Things I Hate:

“Quarter of.” What time is 7:45? If you said “quarter of eight,” you deserve to be punched in the throat. It’s a quarter *to* eight (”til” is acceptable as well). You know what a quarter of eight is? Two. A quarter of eight is f*cking two, Pythagoras.
—
Pierre L’Enfant. What an asshole. Two hundred years after designing Washington, D.C., and I *still* can’t find my way around West Potomac Park. I hope L’Enfant is spending an eternity in Hell trying to make a left off of K Street at rush hour. With a full bladder. And pants full of asps.
—
Ants. I f*cking hate ants.

Sometimes it’s just the little things that send one over the edge and into a clock tower at a southern university armed with a high powered rifle. Come down Dave, it will be ok.

***UPDATE***

How could I forget this gem by Jeff Harrell at The Shape of Days titled: Notes from the train ride home

To the middle-aged lady with the polka-dotted blouse and the unhealthy AquaNet fixation: Your Metro card is out of money. I know this because it was my crotch the turnstile slammed on when you slipped through on a busted card. Thanks a lot, bitch. Your ass looks fat in those pants.

Good old Jeff.

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Ace links to a story today that Israel has pretty much stated that they are at war with the Palestinians after today’s suicide bombing.

Choice quotes:

For a long time the Israelis have had to play this game with the Palestinians, with the world pressuring them to “seek peace” when the Palestinians were murdering them.

But the elected, legitimate government of the Palestinians has just endorsed suicide bombings on civilians as its right.

The game is over. The Palestinians are now in declared, open war with the Israelis. And that invites, in response, the Western way of war, which isn’t as deceptive but which is much more deadly and effective.

Fuck ‘em. They had their chance. When they grow weary from burying all their dead, let them ask their God, “But whatever did we do to deserve this?”

I could not have said it better myself.

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Yes I am lazy today. Deal with it.

Ken over at It Comes In Pints? has a long rambling screed up about the deficiencies in public education. Go check it out.

He then directed his readers to a post over at Toilet Paper with Page Numbers where the frustration of being a Teaching Assistant (TA) at a public university is discussed.

An open letter for a TA:

if I have to explain to you one more time what a logarithm is, I’m going to tattoo “a log is an exponent” backwards on your forehead so you can be reminded of that fact when looking in the mirror every morning
—
It makes me want to seek out your paper when I’m grading the final for Professor Inscrutable and mark it during a moment of selective early-onset Alzheimer’s where I’ve forgotten the meaning of the words “partial credit”.
—
You might be a perfectly capable human being if given a task in another field, but let me give you a free whack with a clue bat: science ain’t your thing.

The “free whack with a clue bat” cracks me up. But in respect to full disclosure, I never did understand logarithms and I dang sure never understood natural logarithms (ln). Not to mention the related e^x. How are they related? I think the derivative of one equals the other? Or something? I don’t know, all that stuff was a blur to me.

Number of times I have used high end math or calculus: 0

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Rob at File It Under cracks me up. The boys over there have decided to add Technorati tags to their posts in order to better whore themselves out. That’s not a bad thing and I am thinking of it myself, but sometimes the tags he puts down are funnier than the post!

Anyway.

In commenting on the newly re-designed Ken doll** being “worldly” and “European”, Rob asks:

“European thing?” What the hell does that mean? Are you going to capitulate to extreme Islam, quit bathing and become a socialist?

Congradulations Rob, you are the newest member of the “I Wish I Had Written That” community.

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**If you don’t know, that bitch Barbie kicked Ken to the curb a few years ago and he is trying to make a comeback…wrong move Ken. Wrong move.

Rob at File It Under has the

Best.
Post.
Title.
EVER!

The post is about good old Jimmy Carter spouting off nonsense about real terrorists, Hamas…

You Gutless, Soul Rotted Whore

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Dave at Garfield Ridge has a great rundown of the best and worst movies of 2005. Sadly, not only did I not see most of these movies, a good chunk of them I had never heard of before. I may print out the list and head to the local video store to check a few out. You should check out his list.

BUT.

This is not a movie review post, now is it? No!!!! It’s another edition of “I Wish I Had Written That.”

He awarded Dakota Fanning the prize for the category: It’s Enough To Wish She Was Dead for her screaming in Man on Fire and War of the Worlds. That alone merits his post being honored here. But Dave stepped it up a notch and is a very strong front runner for the next IWIHWT Award:

I’d love little more than to see her end her career in underground German pornography.

Congratulations Dave, you are today’s “I Wish I Had Written That” featured blogger.

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It’s been awhile since my last IWIHWT post but luckily today I found a great one.

I have been very glad that Jeff from The Shape of Days has returned from his 6-week hiatus. He has had some good stuff since his return.

His posts can be very informative, moving or just funny. The ones that make it to this category fall under funny. More specifically, when Jeff is on a rant. Today he is on a long one. Go check it out.

Small disclaimer. If you are offended by strong language, then you may not enjoy this post. I however feel that his creative use of words is half of what makes this stuff funny. You have been warned.

Speaking about people trying to sell him things to make his web site more accessible:

The next time somebody tries to tell me that my site just isn’t acceptable because blind motherf***ing Pakistanis can’t read it on their cell phones, I’m gonna stab him right in the eye. I don’t want blind motherf***ing Pakistanis reading my blog, you a**hole, because when they do they get all uppity and I end up getting fish in the mail. So as far as I’m concerned, the less accessible my Web site is, the better for everybody. “Oh, oh, it doesn’t validate“, they whine. Yeah? Well, your wife doesn’t seem to mind. So just shut the f*** up already.

You really should read the link under “fish in the mail”. Trust me.

Speaking about the people upset about Bush wiretapping terrorists phones:

So if you want to sit there and tell me, all earnest and sh*t, that it’s not about politics, that you’re just concerned about the law, that’s fine. You go right ahead. I’ll occupy the time while you’re speaking by sitting here and not believing a word that you say. Because we both know the truth, even though only one of us is willing to speak it aloud. You don’t give two sh*ts about the law. All you care about is the fact that you hate George Bush.

Good rant Jeff. Good rant.

Make sure you check out other editions of I Wish I Had Written That.

Yes, it is Ace of Spades again.

No, I don’t need to get out more. He just has a way with words.

His post today about Koko the sign languaging gorilla who has a “nipple fetish” and the case of sexual harassment brought by former caretakers is a classic.

After quoting that Koko has a sign language vocabulary of more than 1,000 words, he adds:

Turns out 600 of those words were just synonyms for hooters, like “chesticles,” “Mommy sacs,” and “sweater stretchers.”

Ace quotes the attorney representing the nonprofit who owns Koko as saying, “This is the first time and hopefully the last time the Gorilla Foundation will have to deal with anything of this type”. And he follows it up with:

I doubt it. The rate of recidivism among nipple-obsessed bi-curious sign-language-speaking knocker-kongs is distressingly high.

Man, Ace. You do have a way with words.

I have not done an “I Wish I Had Written That” (or IWIHWT) post in a while. Not that there have not been worthy candidates out there, no, mainly I have just been plain lazy.

No surprise here. Ace of Spades wins once more. Some of you may think I need to expand my blog reading horizons. To those who think that I say, “Mind your own business!” Actually, my limited time means I only have time to read all the blogs on my blog roll at least once a day, plus a few other sites. What can I say, Ace just keeps slinging out the great posts.

Today’s entry can be found here.

Here is the best part referring to Iran blaming the Jordanian bombings on you know who:

G**damn, no wonder Jews control the world. Who can keep up with them?

If the Zionist conspiracy to control the destiny of the earth takes this much fuss and bother, I say let the Jews run things. ‘Cause, personally?, I needs me my me-time.

When your country collapses, blame the Jews. When your economy tanks, blame the Jews. When you get hit with a terrorist attack that is claimed by Al Qaeda, blame the Jews. Honestly guys, don’t you think that your “Blame the Jews” bit is a tad overused and dated? Do you really think people believe you? The sad thing is, there is probably a threat of Democratic Underground this very morning dedicated to the notion that the Jews attacked Jordan just like they blew up the World Trade Center.

Sigh.

Screaming “JOOOOSSSSS!” is not a valid defense for your backwards, POS country.

You guys need to find a new fall guy…like say….militant Islam???

Via Viking Pundit.

Ankle Biting Pundits has a great post about good, old Senator Chucky Schumer (D) having rehearsals to practice his performance for the Confirmation Hearings of Judge Roberts.

Money quote:

Schumer is so egotistical he probably calls out his own name during sex.

Yes I know I gave the last I Wish I Had Written That to Jeff from The Shape of Days, but I could not resist. His whole post is interesting, but the portion that will probably win him an award comes in the first paragraph:

I’d love to see for myself just what the dude said, in what context, but apparently CNN and FOX News have some notion of Web video that is whimsical at best, so I’m stuck reading what somebody else thinks about it. I swear to God, I can get illegal Czechoslovakian ass porn on demand with three clicks of my mouse, but actual unedited footage of actual news events is totally unavailable. What a world.

He does have a way with words.

Be sure to check out previous editions of I Wish I Had Written That.

What’s not to love about today’s “I Wish I Had Written That” installment? Jeff from The Shape of Days sums up the shopping experience that everyone in the world has had to go through at least once in their life. If you are worried about a little language, you may want to skip it and just read the highlights, but I feel that you will miss the overall feel of the post.

He wants to buy a headset for his cell phone, so he heads to the internet to find the best one:

“Hey, Google,” I asked, “what’s the best mobile phone headset?” And Google answered that as of January 16, 2001, the best mobile phone headset in the world was some cast-iron, steam-powered, cold-forged leviathan so bulky that merely being in the same room with it can cause a strong man’s neck to spasm painfully.

He gripes about people still writing checks. I totally agree:

A word about checks for those of you in the audience who were born after man descended from the trees and developed a taste for day-old gazelle hindquarter on the barren grasslands of Mother Africa: A check used to be a piece of paper that was exchanged in lieu of money. We know this because we’ve found prehistoric checks in the fossil record, buried deep beneath the sedimentary rock that we make middle-school kids go look at as their teacher tries to wow them with the breathless pronouncement that once… this was all a sea. The last known use of a check, or cheque as it was known then, was in a transaction between prolific 18th-century New England religious leader Cotton Mather and his wainwright, a Boston resident named Surcease Weatherborough. Mather hired Weatherborough to repair a wagon wheel for him, paying him with a scrap of parchment endorsed by the Bank of the Old North Church promising the delivery of two bushels of barley and the virtue of any one of Mather’s six daughters except Charity who had been promised to a wealthy son of the Revere family nigh on three summers past, payable next Tuesday or such time as permitting. No actual checks have been used in the conduct of commerce since that time.

His description of the store help is like he has been living my life:

The cashier, who through no fault of her own and certainly with no impact on her character, industriousness or general quality as a person has a lazy eye that’s just totally freaking you out, hands your card right back.

My constant question in such circumstances is, “Which eye do I look at?”

And the best part is about the book receipt that CompUSA gives you:

…and take your receipt, which inexplicably is sixteen inches long and printed on both sides.

I bet you can already guess how this ends. He gets home and what he bought sucks.

Here’s to you Jeff, for putting into words EVERY SINGLE shopping experience I have ever had at electronics stores.

I sense a strong front runner for the third “I Wish I Had Written That Award”.

Well, here we are again. Ace of Spades logs yet another entry into the I Wish I Had Written That sweepstakes. This time he is talking about making fun of the terrorist apologizers out there that keep insisting on us understanding the “root cause” of terrorism.

Here is his brilliant analysis:

The monster who rapes children has goddamned reasons for the way he behaves. He might have been molested as a child himself, he might be insane, he might simply have some bad-wiring in his head that makes it very difficult for him to resist raping children.

There are reasons for every action, good and bad, taken by everyone on the face of the earth.

But reasons are not justifications.

There’s a term for a “reason” for a crime, and it’s not “justification,” usually, except for a very small set of circumstances justifying what would otherwise be a crime.

Usually we just call the reason for a murder the motive for the crime.

There seem to be an awful lot of people confused on this point.

We don’t usually say “The man killed his wife to collect her insurance money, therefore, we should be understanding of the ‘root causes’ of his butchery.” That’s not an excuse; that’s an element of the crime.

It’s strange… If I walked into any terrorist-apologist’s house and shot his family to death, and then told him, “Hey, I was pretty pisssed off about the US not doing enough to control illegal immigration,” I really don’t think even the terrorist-apologist would find that much of a justification. “So you disagree with US foreign policy–what the hell does that have to do with my family, whom you just murdered in cold blood?”

And yet when other people’s loved ones are blown up in Britain, America, or, especially, Israel, these terrorist-sympathizers have no problem rattling “justifications” for the murder of a civilian.

So simple, yet so effective. I guess to the Left and their handlers in the MSM it is just too simple to understand.

Congratulations Ace, keep up the great work.

I know I just gave my last award to Ace of Spades, but dadgumit he writes some good stuff.

His post today is about a new rumor that Justice Stevens will join Justice Rehnquist in announcing his retirement today. That would make it three vacancies on the Supreme Court. What a chance for Bush.

Ace lays out who he thinks should be nominated:

Gonzalez for O’Conner – he would be as liberal as she was.

Owens or Brown for Rehnquist – they are solidly Conservative judges.

A Libertarian for Stevens – for those who do not know what a Libertarian is, they basically believe that you should be allowed to do what ever you want as long as it does not harm a non-consenting adult. On most issues a Libertarian would vote with Conservatives.

He sums it up thusly:

Anyway, the politics of it are beautiful. One Hispanic, one woman, one guy who thinks you should be able to a**-rape a retarded monkey while injecting distilled cobra venom directly into your wife-slash-sister’s nipple.

How’s that for a summation?

Time for the 2nd “I Wish I Had Written That Award”:

This time it goes to Ace of Spades for his remarks concerning moon bats at DU:

If you’d struck the word “distract” from the leftist vocabulary for the past four years, what on earth would they have had to rant about?

Everything’s a “distraction” to them from the One True Issue: We should be in power, g**damnit. Why are you all too stupid to understand that? Let’s keep our eyes on the ball, Sheeple. Power. In. Our Hands. Stopping f***ing about with these silly fictitious so-called “terrorist” related issues.

Frank J. over at IMAO has a short post about news that Iraqi insurgents are starting to kill other Iraqi insurgents. I agree with him that this is a good thing. But Frank takes it a step higher and adds:

Maybe the oppressive Iran regime can fight the oppressive North Korean regime (”Poofy beards! Not poofy hair!”) and kill each other off. What would be really cool if suicide bombers turned on each other. Then we might have bomb-laden cars having head on collisions with other bomb-laden cars. That there is entertainment! [emphasis mine]

Amen brother! This is what we should have done in the Bosnia/Kosovo/Serbia FUBAR. Arm both sides, let them fight, negotiate with the winner.

Victor Davis Hanson continues in his greatness with ANOTHER wonderful Friday column over at National Review Online. Check it out each and every Friday. They are well worth the time:

From Karachi, we learn that Pakistani Shiite Muslims burned down a Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise. You see, a Sunni suicide bomber had just blown up 19 Pakistani Shia. In reaction to that attack, the Shiite mob went out and killed six employees of a business owned and operated by a Pakistani Muslim. Follow the logic of the Middle East: When you are angry at your own for their murdering, and are too weak or terrified to do anything about it, go out and destroy anything remotely American-affiliated.

The Anchoress once again nails it:

Hey, Mr. Conyers…I hate to sound spiteful…but that’s just a small taste of what the president and every member of the GOP has to put up with on a daily basis in almost every paper in the country. Sucks, doesn’t it. Imagine feeling that outraged, mischaracterized and unfairly treated every single day.

Wow, the race is really tightening on this one…

The Anchoress goes off on a wonderful rant today concerning Gitmo and torture. To her it basically boils down to the fact that the current President has an R after his name and that the Left would be acting totally different if he had a D instead:

And of course…the rest of it is about electoral politics. Because the president has the wrong letter after his name. That sounds harsh, doesn’t it? Some might feel the need to tell me that President Johnson was a Democrat, and that the left protested against Vietnam on his watch. But then I’ll only be forced to reply that this is not 1969 – no matter how much the left WANTS it to be – and that when a Democratic President, in the 1990’s took military action in Bosnia (without – gasp – getting permission from the UN!) the press and the left had no problem with it. No problem at all.

Our people were supposed to be home “by Christmas” back then, remember? We still have soldiers there. And no one is calling for an exit strategy.

And if President Bush had a D after his name, instead of an R, the same people who vilify him would be calling him a great liberator and defender of human rights throughout the world. And Amnesty International would perhaps be looking at France’s treatment of people in the Ivory Coast, or China’s crackdown on Christians, or perhaps the whole world would be looking at the horrors of Dafur, and doing something to save the people who are living through daily torture. Daily. Torture.

But for now, there is a Republican in the White House, and the worldwide machines of the left can only focus on one issue; how to hurt America and the American President, for daring to DO. And to BE.

Clearly, when the American President is a Democrat, every inhumane action in the world will cease to take place, and the rest of the problems of the world will be seen to. North Korea. AIDS in Africa. Islamofascism. Eurabia. Terrorism. Tribal warfare. Homelessness. Just like it was allllll taken care of LAST time.

Oh my preach it sister.

I know Rusty at The Jawa Report has been mentioned recently (IWIHWT-Part 7), but he keeps writing damn good stuff. This is from his post proclaiming his tiredness with the who Gitmo = torture meme:

Perhaps we have made some mistakes along the way in our fight against nihilistic Islamofascists, but so the f*ck what? It’s like the words of Jesus turned upside down. These asswipes are so focused on the microscopic motes in our own eyes that they ignore the 30 foot beam sticking out of our enemies’.

I smell a clear front runner in the 2nd IWIHWT Award race!

Rusty over at The Jawa Report writes todays “I Wish I Had Written That”:

But isn’t the very act of embedding with the terrorists an act of treason? Imagine a reporter from Life magazine deciding to hang out with the Waffen SS, just to get their point of view. There was an age when reporters understood their first allegiance was to their country and not the story. We seem to have forgotten that at some point.

Nice. I love it.

Go read his whole post here.

Once again I have to say it: Mark Steyn rocks!

It goes without saying that his review of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is a must read. He is now the new leader in my little contest for the coveted “I Wish I Had Written That Award”.

Enjoy:

Lucas is truly one of the all-time worst directors of actors, and I include the teacher who put together the school production of Fiddler on the Roof I saw last week and got a more touching love scene out of a couple of 11-year-olds as the middle-aged Tevye and Golde than anything Christensen and Portman manage here. Presumably actors say yes to Lucas because they figure Star Wars will do for them what it did for Harrison Ford. Instead, Lucas turns everyone he touches into Mark Hamill. [emphasis mine]

One day, I shall be half as witty…one day…

Well, Ace of Spades does it again.

He is now the crowd favorite for the second “I Wish I Had Written That Award”. In his post about the new all girl conservative blog called The Cotillion, he envisions what some of the blog topics will be. The best one is the following:

Let Me Explain In Teeth-Grinding Detail the Love/Hate Relationship I Have With My Mother and Sisters, Which Is Difficult To Explain Because It’s So Unique, Except Of Course For The Other 3.3 Billion Women In the World Who Blather On About the Same F***ing Thing

I have finally gotten around to choosing the first winner of my “I Wish I Had Written That” contest. And the winner is….

Congratulations Mean Mr. Mustard! His winning post can be found here.

I have not seen the latest (last) Star Wars movie. WunderWife and I have too many kids and not enough babysitting favors left to be able to pawn the little ones off for an evening. We will rent it once it comes out.

I have seen all the movies and I have enjoyed them all. Here is the big disclaimer: Even though I scored a 67 on the nerd test, I never really got into them. I enjoyed them for the shear entertainment value of them. I never gave a flip about the overall story (although I despise Ewoks!). The story to me is not some holy cannon of the geek religion that must be adhered to in every minute detail. They are just entertaining movies. However, I know some people who do view these movies as sort of a religious experience. They seem to be disappointed by the last three movies.

I do think that Lucas’ overall story is wonderful, but these last three movies have left a lot of people with a nagging question: Is Lucas half as good as we all thought he was?

Anyway, Mean Mr. Mustard has a great post about Lucas that my geek friends will approve of:

Now my friend is a smart guy, so I had to assume he was looking for an explanation beyond the obvious “Lucas is a sophomoric tool who wouldn’t know good film making if it sodomized him with a splintery broomstick.” [emphasis mine]

And that I just couldn’t answer.

Could not have said it any better!

I am thinking of adding a contest for this site. Maybe once a week I can give out an award to the post I wish I had written the most. It can be called the I Wish I Had Written That Award….hmmm….I will need some graphics to make a jpeg award that I could send to the winner, where they will proudly display their hard won trophy…Anyone care to help?

The Anchoress goes on a wonderful rant today after some dude over at Arabnews.com wonders “Why Do Americans Hate Muslims?”

Says the Anchoress:

This guy would be a lot more convincing if my memory were not littered with images of Muslims burning the American flag and calling the US the “Great Satan” ‘way back in the 1970’s when Jimmy Carter, not George W. Bush, was president, or during the 80’s when Ronald Reagan, and not George W. Bush, was president, or even in the 1990’s when Bill Clinton, not George W. Bush, was president.
————-
…America “hates” so many Muslims that it allows its sons and daughters to die to liberate millions of them from tyranny and oppression, but we “hate” them? America “hates” Muslims as they build schools and hospitals for them?

He’d be a lot more convincing if he were perhaps spending a little less time playing his tiny violin and a little more time addressing some of the more aggressive acts by Muslims toward America – you know, like maybe the taking of American hostages in the late 1970’s or the repeated attacks on our nation, interests or naval vessels, throughout the 1980’s and 1990’s or, you know…the BIG ATTACK ON AMERICAN SOIL in 2001!!!! Or, you know, the beheadings of American contractors, or, you know, the savage desecration of American bodies in Fallujah!

Man oh man, she is on a role today. She brings up a very interesting fact that the rest of the world needs to understand: Islamic militants did not suddenly begin to hate America after Bush became president; they have hated us for much longer than that. Proof? How many attacks on U.S. interests were there during Clinton’s terms? Funny, I thought Democrats, through the precious UN, were friends to the Arab militants…

Victor Davis Hanson. Oh man does he have a good column today over at National Review Online.

You have to read it. I will only post a teaser or two:

For a suicide bomber like Mohammed Atta, the more he bumped into the West and used its bounties, the more he despised us for his own hypocrisy of enjoying what his culture could not make or allow. [empahsis mine] There was no law forcing Mr. Atta to go study in Germany or visit the United States or to wear Western clothes and use our technology; he did so on his own free volition – and later despised himself for doing so.

————————————————————-

Abroad, we battle Islamic fascists who hate us for our success and want to kill us with the tools of the modern world they despise. [emphasis mine] But at home, we are also at odds with our own privileged guilt-ridden aristocracy, whose very munificence has made them misunderstand why they are hated.

The Islamists insist, “We kill you for being soft.” Westerners in response feel, “We are killed because we are not being soft enough.”

And so they riot and kill in Afghanistan over a stupid rumor, and we seek to apologize that it somehow spread.

How truly sad.

Once again, he nails it. I would have spent years and endless essays trying to say what he says in this column.

Ace of Spades has another great post up today. Don’t mind the language. As I tell my wife, if used properly, cursing is an art and it can add much to a post.

Speaking of the French and a new poll about other European country’s attitudes towards them:

Huh. Imagine what kinds of rotten pricks you have to be to get the goo-goo Swedes angry at you.

And speaking about the War on Terror:

This war is largely animated by the outsized egotism, combined with the severe inferiority complex, of many in the Arab/Muslim world. (Yes, those two go together quite a bit.)

I’m afraid this war will not end until some people get the f*** over themselves already.

Classic Ace.